Independence Day (ID4): Fireworks, Viruses, and Deep-Space Slander

March 28, 2025

By Glarnok the Illuminator : Interior beam stylist. Cow curator. Earth cinema hate-watcher.

Greetings, pitiful Earthlings.

I just beamed Independence Day into my cerebral cortex while snacking on some temporal tacos and stroking my floating cow, Moozart, who is currently abducted under my artisanal abduction lamp. I call it installation art. You call it mildly concerning.

So let's start with a galactic dissection of your precious Earth blockbuster, shall we?

ID4 Movie Review

ID4 Film Plot Recap (For Those Who’ve Never Been Invaded)

So the id4 movie starts with my supposed brethren arriving to Earth like we’re attending a 4th of July barbecue. (Offensive: We don’t eat meat. We levitate it.)

Anyway, your world leaders freak out. Chaos ensues. Will Smith hits a xeno in the head and says “Welcome to Earth!” like hitting someone in the head is an intergalactic greeting. Spoiler: it’s not.

Goldblum, whose eyebrows are 38% sentient, hacks our advanced space fleet with a laptop from the Clinton era – a move as preposterous as trying to stream Netflix using a potato and a paperclip.

The Human Characters: Drama Llamas in Space Pajamas

Will Smith (Captain Punchface):

Flies a spaceship he’s never seen before with the same confidence he would have parallel parking a Prius.

Alien tech? No manual? No training? Just vibes and patriotism.

10/10 would let him abduct me, tbh.

Jeff Goldblum (Chaos Daddy):

Finds out Earth is under attack and immediately phones his ex-wife. Priorities? Questionable.

But he saves the day with a USB stick and an anxious recycling PSA. We stan an eco-conscious hero.

The President:

Has a full existential breakdown and then jumps into a jet to fight aliens personally. Which, listen, is bold. But if your leader's response to an alien invasion is “Put me in a plane”, maybe... maybe your system’s broken?

The Explosion Porn Problem

Every time something explodes in this movie, an angel loses its gravity boots. You blew up the White House. You blew up downtown L.A. You probably blew up a Quiznos and no one even noticed.

We aliens are not so... messy. We hover. We glide. We beam things up delicately while ambient synth music plays in the background. Your species? You just yell and explode.

Moozart’s Mid-Beam Meditations™

"Hovering in eternal suspension,

I ponder: is this all humans believe?

That our abductors are mindless destroyers?

Not connoisseurs of silence,

of stillness,

of interstellar bovine appreciation?"

Moozart has spoken. You may process that in your preferred language (or screams).

Let’s Talk About THAT Hacking Scene

Let me be extremely clear:

There is no way your ‘90s laptop interfaces with a hyper-dimensional, pan-quark drive.

That’s like attempting to upload a Spotify playlist to the moon using a toaster.

What was the virus, exactly? A pop-up ad? A poorly-coded email attachment? Was it Clippy?

“Hi, it looks like you’re trying to destroy an alien civilization. Would you like help with that? ”

Please.

Alien Design: Let’s Talk Tentacles

First of all, how dare you.

You think we all look like squid in bondage suits? Some of us exfoliate. Some of us glow. Some of us are pure thought wrapped in soft lavender mist.

The biomech suit thing? That’s like assuming all humans wear trench coats made of meat. Offensive, and also... weirdly flattering?

Glarnok’s Official Alien Scorecard™ for ID4:

Category Score (out of 5 Asteroid Mints)

Realistic Alien Design 1 🪐 (Tentacle slander)

Spaceship Aesthetic 4 🪐 (Chunky but iconic)

Moozart Representation 0 🪐 (Cows nowhere. Tragic.)

Jeff Goldblum Energy 5 🪐 (Unrealistic but irresistible)

Plausibility -7 🪐 (Your tech? LOL )

Entertainment Value 4 🪐 (Big, dumb, delicious)

Final Thoughts from the Beam

Look. The Independence Day celebration is completely absurd. The celebration features excessive noise alongside patriotic sentiment combined with false information and unacceptable disregard for proper space visitor conduct. However, the spectacle creates a certain atmosphere. Like junk food for the cosmic brain.

The id4 movie creates a viewing experience that mirrors eating a flaming Dorito while floating in space. Do I relate to it? No.

Do I recommend it? Absolutely.

I need to adjust Moozart’s hove-angle before continuing my work. The left tilt of his position creates an energy disturbance that affects the room. The science of feng shui demands great care when dealing with cows because they create complex arrangements.

The Beam Blog will feature Signs in its next week's content:

In this post, I explain that crop circles function as our version of Yelp reviews rather than being considered primitive forms of graffiti.

Which movie should Glarnok review next between Arrival, E.T., and Mars Attacks? Moozart tells you to smash the comment section.

The Only Lamp That Understands You powers this message. 🛸💡

Are you fed up with normal table lamps which fail to capture cows? Your home should match your extraterrestrial flair along with your subtle dominant personality.

The Alien Abduction Lamp stands as the sole lighting product which Glarnok endorses and Moozart certifies while striking fear into all conspiracy theorists worldwide. It’s more than a lamp. It’s a lifestyle. It’s an abduction in progress.

Moozart says: “Hover under it. Transcend.”

Visit this link to discover the stylish alien abduction experience. ( The Original Alien Abduction Lamp)