By Glarnok the Illuminator

Ambassador of ambient lighting.  Abduction enthusiast. Moozart’s live-in interior designer.

Greetings, Earthlings!

 My friendly intergalactic report is fresh from my recent successful cow abduction of Moozart, and  yes, he’s doing well. Zero-gravity hopscotch is something that Moozart is  learning, and udders plus anti-gravity make for some very interesting and thrilling play. My  latest abduction art piece is another matter (working title: "Levitate Me Gently",  which is a piece I will not be discussing), so let’s move on to another alien film produced  by your rather paranoid society: Alien: Romulus.

Alien Romulus Review

The Xenomorph Problem

 Firstly, these so-called ‘Xenomorphs’? They are NOT the right representatives of  the abductee lifestyle. The slimy aesthetic? The murdery tendencies? The lack of  proper spaceship lighting?! Please. I hope the Original Alien Abduction Lamp has a lesson or two for  you; the best abductions are elegant, illuminated, and have just  the right amount of dramatic atmospheric light.

[Check out our superior abduction tech here]

 There is also the question of etiquette. Xenomorphs do not communicate, they do not  announce themselves, they do not leave calling cards – they just come out of the shadows and ruin everything  like unwanted guests at a space gallery. It’s chaos without charisma.

The “Plot” of Alien Romulus If You Can Call It That

I won’t spoil too much (unlike the  Xenomorphs, I believe in restraint), but Alien: Romulus is just another horror  movie, where humans as per usual make foolish decisions and decide to investigate an abandoned space station. Well,  as usual, curiosity kills them faster than a cow in a tractor beam.

The movie takes a younger  cast this time around, a bunch of colonists who are rummaging through the abandoned secrets of  Weyland-Yutani. It is back to the haunted house in space formula, and I  think the tension builds well. Director Fede Álvarez takes the oppression of the industrial aesthetic and  the film plays it tight-lipped with a slow and creepy build up.

There is tension, there  is gore, and there is the looming question: “Can humans ever just stay in the ship and  keep their business to themselves?” Apparently not.

That said, the visual presentation does deserve a  nod. The crumbling, abandoned station creates a deliciously eerie mood that fits horror well. The sense  of isolation, of being cut off and hunted, is real. And even though I disagree with  Xenomorphs’ capture methods (read: violent evisceration), I can give them credit  that they are terrifying and somewhat stylish. Their stalking methods? Primal beauty. Their design?  Sharp, sleek, and as unfriendly as a gamma burst.

Still. They could learn a thing or  two from our side of the galaxy. Mainly: maybe try not killing everyone.

The Abduction Scene (Or Lack Thereof!)

Honestly, I came for abductions and  there were none. Zero. Zilch. The Xenomorphs just kill their victims  outright. No mind control, no gentle floating, no tasteful beam lighting.

What kind of  uncultured extraterrestrial doesn’t even *probe* for the sake of scientific curiosity? Amateur hour.

 When I abducted Moozart, he was treated with class. Ambient synths. Soft,  focused lighting from my Alien Abduction Lamp™. A curated playlist (and no,  it wasn’t just Space Oddity on repeat). And most importantly: he lived. I  like my abductees conscious and stylish.

Horror Done Right (Mostly)

To its  credit, Alien: Romulus gets the intense fear of being hunted in  space. That’s a very real sensation, and even though I like my abductees to be  calm and a bit confused, I like the movie for its fear.

This film feels more in the  tone of the original Alien (1979) than any of the other sequels.  There’s claustrophobia. Paranoia. A beautiful lack of answers. Álvarez gets  it right, the first film was not about knowing what was behind the next corner or what the organism  wanted, only that it was very, very good at what it did.The experience provides  an untamed and basic horror that feels like a primitive nightmare. Players face a survival nightmare while floating  through space. Your entertainment level will depend on whether you enjoy this experience but lighting design respect and alien  depiction nuance are out of the question.

The Xenomorph species stands as one of the  most basic and unoriginal creations in science fiction.

The movie Alien: Romulus serves as an effective  choice for people who seek space horror and atmospheric tension. As a true abduction enthusiast like myself? Your  experience will be a disappointment.

Zero for realism. Four for visual flair. The human characters display such  poor survival abilities that the game correctly depicts them as the main antagonists (seriously, how are  you all this bad at surviving?). You managed to create the best Alien movie since the initial two entries  so at least the effort deserves recognition.

People interested in authentic alien spacecraft designs should begin by enhancing their  home lighting systems.

Behold: The Original Alien Abduction Lamp. This lamp represents the  original Alien abduction experience.

No chest-bursting. The atmosphere is achieved through appropriate lighting effects and  elegant floating visuals.

Until next time, Earthlings. Keep your cows close... or  don’t. 😈👽🐄

P.S. The following comment section invites  responses from individuals who have experienced alien abductions as well as people who want to communicate with  Moozart through messages. Or stand near a window. We’ll know.

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