By Glarnok the Illuminator: Interstellar lighting consultant. Movie masochist. Moozart’s emotional support alien.
I did not want to do it.
But there I was — drinking supernova seltzer, munching on star-crystals, and playing with the glow angle of my Alien Abduction Lamp, when Moozart floated by, hooves perfectly lit, and said:
”Art must be endured”
I took a deep breath, watched the film Independence Day Resurgence, and prepared myself for the impact.
Independence Day Resurgence Movie Review
Previously on Earth…
Twenty years after humans “defeated” us with a laptop and an uppercut, they have created a new global defense system with parts from our ships. Moon bases, plasma cannons, laser jets, it is all about DIY military industrial complex. And you know what they say:
Just because you found a quantum core doesn’t mean you should strap it to your lawnmower.
Of course, the aliens are back. Bigger ship. Bigger Queen. Bigger… sigh.
The Queen, the Sphere, and Other Disappointments
Yes, there is a Queen alien now — because apparently we are bees?
She is the size of a shopping mall, screams like a dial up modem, and her boss fight is like it was coded 12 minutes before the deadline.
Then, we are introduced to a friendly white orb alien who comes up like a glowing Google Assistant and basically says,
Hey, I am from a much cooler galaxy where sequels don’t suck. Want to join?
And Earth is like, “We’re in!”
Just like that. You kill one big crab and now you are the leader of the galaxy. Cute.
Plot Points of Independence Day 2 Movie That Felt Like Glitches
- Alien ship the size of the Atlantic lands on Earth. The planet… just kinda rolls with it. There is no gravitational collapse, no global extinction event, just traffic jams and a few screams.
- Jeff Goldblum’s dad drives a school bus through an alien apocalypse like it’s a Sunday trip to Costco. I audibly mooed.
- A warlord with alien psychic scars somehow becomes a key military asset? Earth’s HR department is truly unhinged.
- Area 51 is the main base again, despite literally being where it all went wrong the first time. That is like building your house on top of a haunted sinkhole because “the view is nice.”
Moozart’s Reflections
“A Queen emerged, loud and unbrushed,
A school bus drove through ashes and neon.
Humanity called it progress.
I called it Tuesday.”
Moozart has been eating crystallized star crumbs in silence the entire movie. The only time he was excited was when the gravity wave tore a city in half and dropped it upside down in London.
“Finally, a tasteful remodeling,” he whispered.
A Few Earth Wins (Fine. I’ll admit it)
Let’s not be petty (yet). Some things worked.
- The visuals? Gorgeous. Watching the mega-ship descend across the Earth’s stratosphere like a space pancake of doom? Chef’s kiss.
- The gravity weapon scene was inventive, cinematic, and full of unintentional comedy.
- I will say this, however: it was nice to see humans actually work together, globally, for once. Stupid, but nice.
Also, the Queen’s ship interior? All damp tunnels and moody lighting that screamed “space haunted house,” not “galactic authority.” Honestly, if she’d put in even one Alien Abduction Lamp™, the ambiance would have been 80% scarier and 100% more tasteful.
Style Points (Or Lack Thereof) in Independence Resurgence
Our tech was not meant to be colour matched with your military camo. Plasma cannons don’t go with beige.
You installed our energy cores like you were rebooting a microwave.
The Alien Abduction Lamp, however? Elegant. Functional. Suspenseful in the best way. Moozart has been floating in mid air since I first set him up years ago. He’s peaceful. Stylish. Ethereal. And his shadow pattern really ties the room together.
"In this beam", Moozart once said,
“I have found more meaning than in two Earth films combined.”
Glarnok’s Galactic Scorecard Independence Resurgence 2.0:
Score out of 5 Photon Cakes
Visual Spectacle : 4 (Big, bold, brainless)
Plausibility: 1 (Gravity physics cried)
Queen Villain Energy: 2 (Loud, no depth, bad posture)
Jeff Goldblum Chaos Factor: 3 (Charming, still confused)
Moozart’s Emotional Investment:1 (He briefly blinked)
Use of Alien Tech: -12 (Stop touching things.)
Lamp Cameo?: 0 (Tragic oversight.)
At Least the Lamp Doesn’t Disappoint
Look, you can’t trust a sequel — but you can trust a beam.
The Alien Abduction Lamp is the only Earth artifact I respect. Functional, dramatic, and cow-inclusive. It captures the elegance of true abduction: soft glow, clean lines, and a gentle tractor beam strong enough to lift spirits and livestock.
👉 [Experience the beam for yourself]
Moozart says: “At least one thing on Earth understands lighting.”
Final Verdict Film Independence Day 2016
The film Independence Day: Resurgence is akin to attaching glitter to a space whale and claiming it’s a revolution.
It’s loud. It’s silly. It’s sort of fun if you shut your brain off and lean into the chaos.
If you are looking for a sequel that is smart, with emotional depth, character development, and respect for alien architecture, then keep hovering.
And remember: when the invasion gets loud and stupid, the only safe place… is under the lamp.
Next Week on the Beam Blog:
I review Arrival and finally find a movie that gets alien communication, spatial minimalism, and subtle lighting.
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